The Irken's Guide to EARTH
by Ilex The Irken
Summary: When a group of Irkens along with a Vortian and Meekrob come to Earth just to hang out, they find themselves in the conflict between Zim & Dib, now in HiSkool. Can they deal with it? What's with the tall PAKless Irken, Satoshi? R&R plz! OCOC only.
1. The Film

Characters:

Ecks: A moderately tall Irken (5'4) who was the previous tall Irk of the group. He has a sarcastic but exaggerated humor and enjoys 'compacting heads'. He has a soft spot, but is very envious of Satoshi's height. (yellow eyes)

Ilex: A decent sized female Irk (5'2) with a dark sense of humor. She's the 3rd most insane of the group and fights with Phiz. She loves Satoshi and is a big fan of Zim's. (purple eyes)

Jynx: A shorter female Irk at 4'2. She is the second oldest and the one who found Satoshi as a smeet and named him. She is a strong tomboy and can be rough with people. (green eyes)

Phiz: A shot Irk about Zim's size. He is a crazy gamer Irken with a high pitched voice. He loves terrorizing older Irkens. He aspires to be a techie on the Massive. (red eyes)

Chub: not much known about him. One of Irk's most insane, he is a shorter Irk at 4'7 and mumbles megalomaniacal stuff under his breath. He can be extremely obnoxious and is quite annoying. He is an Elite dropout. (red eyes)

Satoshi: Later on dubbed 'ZED', he is an extremely tall Irken around 6'3 and is the youngest of the group. He is actually PAKless, as his smeet flew up a vent and to the surface before being 'PAKulated'. His PAK, named 'ZED' doesn't attach—in fact, it is strapped on like a backpack. Because he thinks with his brain, he zones out a lot and knows a lot of gov't conspiracies. He dreads being Tallest in case found out, and has a phobia of energy-eating blobs. Because of this, he has a paranoid and stupid demeanor with an immature voice. He loves Pocky sticks. (blue eyes)

DOT3000: an intelligent SIR with a cane, monocle and pipe. He is evil and was created by Ecks and Moof. If off duty he drinks and swears. (Doomyness or Trouble?)

PLOOT: another SIR who is very friendly and outgoing. He has a bizarre fetish for bunny pellets. (People's Loving Omens of Trueness)

Moof: A Vortian who still hangs out with Ecks despite race conflicts. She loves modifying SIR units and still hangs along with this interesting group.

Tayaki: A female Meekrob who found herself in the group. She likes them, but is upset about Meekrob's invasion. She has yet to realize that "meekrob" is also a Thai dish.

OK, here's the story:

"It was a fine day when it all happened. Life on Irk was pretty normal. Smeets were being Smeeted in Smeeteries, PAKs were created, there was foodeating and the watching of TV, Tallests being eaten by energy-consuming blobs or guitar wielding aliens on Vespas—wait, scratch that. Anyway, little did they know that two Irkens from the future had come. One wanted to help a future hero that would save the Empire, another was a traitor that wanted to destroy it.

Ilex, a young Irken, came to prevent the fall of the Empire. Here she is, selling curly fries at a restaurant."

Ilex said in a shrill voice, "Curly fries are half-price, best quality! Two monies! Take some!" Irkens started lining up to buy curly fries. One of the employees walked up to her and said, "Wow, you're selling them good! Here's your salary!" Ilex saw the future hero, Satoshi, walking by. "Thank you! I wish I could sell some more, but I have to go! Bye!"

"She would follow Satoshi every day, watching him and to see if her traitorous adversary would come. Heh. I sound like a smart-ass. Anyway, the day was over, and Ilex sat in a small room to get out of her garb of mascot-y goodness." Ilex started to change out, but the film stopped and started elsewhere. "Sorry, she chased me out, so I had to stop filming her. So sorry, I know all your little Irken hearts are broken, you filthy hentai. Anyway, Ilex eventually found the traitor, Jynx, readily trying to get Satoshi into her will." "You won't get away with this!" Ilex screeched. Jynx turned around, "You keep trying to keep the Empire up. Once I get Satoshi bored of it, the Empire will fall. That's what happens to them over time, am I right?" "No! You won't! I swore my whole life and mind to Irk!" Jynx nodded, "Then that's what we'll take. Life and mind. We'll confiscate your PAK, too. Attack." Phiz walked up to her, making a pathetic snicker. "No! Don't sic the other traitors on me!" Phiz was about to attack with the spider-legs thing when he laughed, genuinely. "HAHAHA, ohh, man, so hard to look at you when you have all those stupid ribbons on—oh. Sorry. Sorry Ilex. But I'm going to have to kill you." He used his spider leg to toss her in a cardboard box cage. Satoshi runs up and blasts it. "Are you okay?" Ilex nodded and fell comatose.

"Well, any NORMAL Irken would call a patrol or space police, or even dream police. But nooo, not him. He thinks he can do it because he's tall, and takes the poor Irken to his place. HEY, where the hell do you think you're going, you silly bastard? Anyway, at a restaurant on Foodcourtia, he went to the back lounge and tried to wake her up. What's this!? Is he trying to kiss her? How unrealistic—no, seriously, Satoshi…I don't care how tall you are, if you stick your face any closer to hers, Ecks the cameraman will rip your antennae off…that's better. Now that our heroine has awoken, she can now defeat the evil traitor…"

"Fast forward it." A voice said. "To the end."

"And uh,…" Ilex moved forward to see an electronic notepad, "You will not underestimate the super-powers! I haven't come all this way for nothing." Jynx gave a nod, "So you haven't." The meekrob on her shoulder, in the guise of an earthworm, said, "Honestly, can we cut the banter? I really—" the film shook and an accusing finger could be seen on screen, "Taiyaki! Shut up!" "—and honestly, can't you just blast her with that weird technology you've got—" Jynx slapped it in the face. "No, you didn't hear the earthworm talk. Let us proceed." She took out a gun. Powers—actually minor explosives, went off around Ilex as she screamed. A Vortian came on screen, "What the hell is this? Come on, Ilex, you can do it!" A frylord slammed open the door to a restaurant, "HEY! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THI—"

"We're sorry. After the constant bellowing rage of a frylord for the explosives, Ilex won the battle and gave Satoshi a biiiiiiigg hug at the end. I hate sappy stories like this. Fin. Finally."

The bored group of aliens watched their small video. "And we have to _show_ this video on PROBING DAY?" asked Ecks, clearly unhappy with the work. Moof, the Vortian, rolled her eyes, though naturally you couldn't see it. "Well that was the best effects I could do for a crappy video like that." Phiz jumped up, "Shut up This vide is gonna win us 200 MONIES!" His colleagues groaned in annoyance.


	2. The Getting of News

Ecks took his eyes off the TV and eyed the female Irken resting next to him. With a smirk, he roughly pushed down on her head.

"AGH! What the hell—Ecks?!" The male Irken smirked. "I was just compacting your head to your spine." Ilex snorted indignantly, "Why? Afraid I'll out-grow you?" Ecks nodded and turned his attention back to the tv. Phiz poked his head in, "I heard a hollow noise. Does Irk have coconuts?"

Jynx then ran in. "GUYS, guess what!?" she was greeted by expressionless stares, "I got papers and filled them out! We're going to EARTH!"

Boy, did that cause a reaction. Ecks almost hit the ceiling when he heard that. "EARTH!? Isn't that where that…murder…guy…was? What's-his-face? Zim? Yeah, that was it. We'll all die!" he brought himself together.

"I was checking a Vortian site on the internet for some strange reason maybe because I was high on snacks and anyway I found Earth and I wanna go there." She caught her breath, her grin never leaving. Ecks flashed Ilex a worried look. He knew Zim was there. He didn't hate the small Irk, but all the stories about him were enough to think, _Wow, he's a megalomaniac._ "Um, I don't think that's a good idea—" Ilex darted in, "SURE!" Ecks' eyes widened, "Let's have a vote—how about you, Phiz?" Phiz barely looked up from his virtual game, "Yeah, whatever. I will get you, stupid monkey ninjas!" "You, Moof and Taiyaki?" Moof shrugged, "Why not?" Tayaki nodded, "I could find ways to improve life for my Meekrob brethren." "How about you, SIRs?" The SIR units, playing a board game grunted yes. Ecks' antennae flicked forward out of nervousness. Going to Earth was like a death wish! "You, Satoshi?" The young but painfully tall Irk smiled, "Okee-dokie." He glanced at Chub, "What about you, Chub?" The deranged soldier drooled, "YESYES, WHATEVER YOU SAY!" He laughed under his breath and muttered about ruling the universe. Ecks grinned sarcastically and raised his hands up in the air, "Well THAT'LL teach me!" Jynx glomped him, "Thank you, Ecks! I love you…" "Three second rule!"


	3. Landing on Earth

All of the Irkens, Vortian and Meekrob stood in the painfully cramped Spittle Runner. Finally: "Planet: Earth."

Jynx nearly squealed. Actually, it was more like Olive's squeal in "Little Miss Sunshine". There was a lot of antennae grabbing. "Yay! We're getting there!" Jynx had her fists clenched in sheer excitement. Ilex winked at Ecks, "Hey, wonder if you-know-who is there." "Jeez, Ilex, the guy's like a major terrorist!"

Ilex shrugged, "What? He doesn't know! I think he's cute."

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! SHE THINKS IT'S CUTE!"

Satoshi leaned on a gauge, "I don't see why everyone hates Zim. All the poor guy's done is bring quality entertainment." Ecks sighted, "Smeet—actually, you're taller than me now—the guy isn't a comedian and stuff. He's a defective ex-Invader who destroyed Irken planets multiple times, was demoted to food-drone, quit being banished and got sent to Earth. He's just being used for entertainment purposes now. It's quite sad really." Ecks glanced at Ilex, with a sheepish grin. Ilex had her antennae flattened on her head irritably.

Satoshi nodded, clearly troubled by that instead of shunning the defective also. _It was funny how PAKless brains worked. So capable of compassion. Satoshi shows how probably Irkens would be smarter and act without these little cyber-brains. Amazing how he can live without it. Still, I wouldn't want HIM becoming Tallest, oh no. _Ilex thought in her mind. Satoshi was an interesting little…but really tall…Irken.

As the Spittle Runner landed on Earth, unseen to MOST eyes, the passengers jumped out quickly. Phiz studied the area. "Better do this quick. Who knows what the humans do. I hear alien autopsy." Chub then go t out, chuckling insanely, "Hehehe, wonder how they like getting their organs ripped out." "Riiiight…PLOT?" the SIR unit poked its head out and smiled. "Sir?" "Could you…uh…make a base or whatever here? Something that's not intimidating, not obvious, but cool and unnoticeable?" "Yes SIR!" PLOOT quickly created the blueprint and the base in less than fifteen seconds.

Chub turned to Phiz, "So what do these 'HUMANS' resemble? I bet they're really ugly. Absolutely HIDEOUS! So we're going to need a really good holograph disguise. Something like these." He held out a bunch of hologram devices. "Heheheh." Ecks's antennae perked up. "Wow, Chub. First time you were actually CONSTRUCTIVE." Chub sneered at him, but said nothing. Nothing audible, anyways.

They stuck on the disguises, including Moof. All of them just looked like either college students or fourth graders. Taiyaki looked around, "And where's mine, eh?" "You're a Meekrob. You don't need this technical mumbo-jumbo." "Oh yeah."

Taiyaki became a floating glowy piggy. She giggled. "A floaty glowy piggy?" "Did you want a squirrel?" PLOOT screeched, "CHICKEN!" "Fine, I'll be a floatly glowy CHICKEN." She changed to a levitating chicken. "WARK."

"So everything's good, hnmmm?" Ilex said, smiling at how much was done in one night. "The learning area to gather Earthen information for us would be…this building of the weird twisty kind called 'HI-Skool'. Heh, sounds like this Human orange drink called Hi-C, trademark to whatever company that is. We discussed, and Ecks, Satoshi, and me will go. The rest of you stay. Phiz, Jynx, beware, since I hear this truancy thing patrols the area around 9:00 and 2:00. They'll probably autopsy you and crap like that.

Ecks and Satoshi glared at her. "Nice job, Ilex. You dunce."


	4. Of Skool and ChickyLicky Dolls

In the classroom, the whole class stared at the three new kids. Dib examined them. The first one, seemingly shy and friendly was Ilex. She looked like a goth chick, had black hair and weird purple eyes. She seemed to be of Oriental descent. The toehr, Ecks, wasn't as outgoing. He was far more suspicious and sarcastic, yellow eyes darting about. He seemed to be wary of Zim, which Dib was happy about, as he flicked his brownish hair from his eye. The last one, Satoshi, appeared to be the youngest. He had blue eyes, black hair, and by God was he tall. Pushing 6'3, he seemed nice, but zoned out a lot—Dib never expected this from another somewhat Asian kid.

"OKAY class! These are the new kids, Ilex, Ecks, and Satoshi!" the over enthusiastic Mr. Bobbin smiled happily, "Unfortunately the three with the lowest grades will have to go the underground classroom." Three kids screamed as they as their seats dunked them into the dark pit. Ilex happened to sit behind Dib.

"Hi. I'm Dib. Paranormal investigator?" he said, "You do know that Zim is an…aaaalllieennn…"

Ilex looked over. What she saw was an Irken with the worst disguise ever. She couldn't believe she was in this guy's midst. She turned back.

It's kinda obvious. I mean, I expected his disguise to be more than that—" she noticed the weird look from him, "Well, he's definitely an alien."

"Finally! Someone smart enough to get the facts! It's OBVIOUS. Hey, Zim!" The Irken turned around, "This new kid, Ilex, knows you're an alien. So much for that 'disguise'."

"YOU LIE! YOOOOUU LIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!" he stood on the desk and pointed. Damn, he was loud. And Ilex, even with limited knowledge of humans could tell easily that he was an Irk. "I'm human! HUUUMMANNN PIG-DOG! Look at my neck! BEHOLD THE NECK! I'M THE MOST HUMANESTLY HUMAN THAT EVER WAS HUMAN! Eh? EH?"

"Please, Zim, sit down." The alien reluctantly did so, grinning at Ilex.

Ilex nodded. She heard about his antics. "You're Irken. Your currencies are 'monies', you're in Operation Impending Doom II sent by the current Tallests Red and Purple. I know all this."

Dib, who overheard it, grinned. Zim's eyes widened.

"Buah—ugh…how do you know all that!? You scare ZIM!" Ilex shrugged, "I'll tell you later. Mr. Bobbin looked up. "Please, Satoshi, darling, no Pocky sticks in class." "OK." He started to put it away, then stopped. "Satoshi DARLING?!" He made a few retching noises. Ecks smiled, "They ALWAYS go after the tall ones. Isn't that right, Mr. Chicky-Licky?" he pulled out a squeaky Chicky-Licky toy and squeezed.

"Sure it is, Ecks. You're alllwaayyyyysss right…"


	5. Don't take Zim's mission from Zim

Ilex and Zim walked home—actually, Zim forced her after she knew so much about the Irken Empire.

"How do you know so much about my mission? Tell meeeeeeEEE!" She blinked at him, "I'm Irken too," she whispered. She hid partway behind a bush and turned off her hologram. Zim stared at her, tongue hanging out. "You weren't kidding." There was a long pause. Ilex cringed, sensing an outburst.

"YOU WANT TO TAKE MY MISSION! DON'T YOU!!???"

"No—"

"DON'T YOU!?"

"NO—"

"DON'T YOU!?!"

"No, Zim, I—"

"DON'T YOOOOOOOUUUUU!?!"

"NO, DAMN IT, I DON'T!"

"For Irk's sake, could you keep it DOWN!? The Dib may be nearby." Ilex tugged on her antennae. For a cute Irken, boy was he a handful.

"So do you wish to take Zim's mission away from Zim?" for once he actually said 'Zim' the right way. She shook her head, "No, we're here because…we're here." "That's no excuse! It's MY planet. At least ask first." Ilex pretended not to hear that. "My friend is touring the area for…I dunno, movies of sports. Something like that."

"What? That's stupid." "I suppose so." Zim squinted at her, "Have you come to assist in the conquering of Earth by ZIIIIIM?" he did that clenchy thing with his claws, "Because _Invaders_ need no one." Ilex shrugged, "Eh, sorry. Can't see how I can assist." The male Irken pouted somewhat. Ilex felt kinda sorry for the ostracized critter.

"Wait—if you can make a fake PAK, one that can trick even the cleverest Control Brain…we can give you an awesome DOOMSDAY device!"

Zim's antennae perked up, "DOOM? As in DOOMsday? Nyyyyyyeahhhh OK. Zim will let you assist Zim." He paused, clearly thinking this through, "I was just wondering…why the hell would you need a PAK, though? They're a whole Irken within themselves. You're not suicidal, right?" "No." "What's with the PAK?"

Ilex thought. She couldn't tell this guy, of all the peoples of the universe, it had to be this one she would tell. "Ehhhh...no reason."

"No! Zim will not accept 'no reason' as a reason! Tell to Zim!"

Ilex took him into the bushes, and spoke into the now revealed antennae, "Zim, promise me you will not tell anyone. No humans, SIRs, Skoodge, the Tallests, Invaders, Techies, Vortians, Meekrobs…ANYBODY." "OKAY, okay, just tell me!"

Ilex got closer, cautiously, "We have a PAKless Irken with us."


	6. WTF? PAKless Satoshi?

Zim backed away, shocked. "A PAKless Irken? I've never heard of such a thing! Surely he couldn't survive—"

"He got sucked up the air vent before fitted with a PAK. It's actually quite sad really. He was half dead when my buddy Jynx found him. So he's PAKless."

"What can I do, huh? This is normally none of Zim's concern." "We have a Vortian to help out," Ilex said, "She just needs you and me to assist in the PAK construction-thingies."

He nodded, "WHO is this PAKless wonder, eh?" "Satoshi. The really tall kid?" "He's Irken TOO? Hoooo…." "Right. Irk forbid something happens, he becomes Tallest and figured out by the Control Brains. Not a pretty sight. And," she said, belligerently staring at him, "If you don't do this, we won't give you the doomsday device, a shipload of monies, and out extra ship engine upgrade."

Zim turned and thought, "Alright. That ship upgrade thing will possibly assist me in the destruction of the Dib human!"

He turned to her, "Don't get fooled by his lollipops and rainbows thing about saving people. If he finds you out, whether Invader or not, he'll autopsy you as well."

Ilex resumed the hologram and smirked, "Don't worry. The chances of that are extremely and very slim."

----------------------------- 3 3 3--------------------------(A)---------------

Ecks and Satoshi walked into their base, 'And man, can that guy scream. It's hard to believe I was in the same room as that same dude who blew up our homeworld."

Satoshi laughed quietly, "I thought he was funny." Ecks shrugged, "He's a psychopath. What can I say?—Oh, that'll be Ilex."

Ilex's voice came on, "Ecks, this'll be hard, but I'm actually calling to talk privately….PRIVATELY, with Satoshi."

Ecks snorted indignantly and gave the transmitter to Satoshi. Satoshi waved, "HI!" "She can't see you." "Oh. What's up, Ilex?"

"Satoshi, I was talking to Zim—"

"Heh, he's funny, right?"

"Shut up. Anyway, I was talking to Z—"

"Man, he screams a lot though. What do you think?"

"SHUT UP! I talked to Zim, and we're making you a fake PAK." "REALLY!?" "Yes. Tell Moof to get over here. We're taking you off the scared hook, smeety."


	7. I can has PAK assistance?

"Okay, we're all here then!" said Zim, eyeing all of the alien species, some his own, some not, that stood in his house. "But never would I have expected a Vortian in the base of Invader ZIIIIIIIIM. Is she yours?" his voice got high and inquisitive on the last three words, and he cocked his head at Ilex.

Moof looked at Ilex in disgust. "Ugh, you didn't tell me he was one of those Invader –whatever- freaks." Ilex smiled grimly and whispered back in her ear, "I'll be really, really honest to you—he's really not." "Oh."

"Hey! What is this!? There shall be NO whispering in the base of ZIIIIIM!" they looked his way attentitively.

"COM-PU-TAAAR!"

"WHAT!?"

Zim played with his claws a bit, "Get me a replica of an Irken PAK. One that, eh, straps on. You can do that for Zim, eh?"

"A Strap On PAK? Well…okay…"

Moof blinked in shock, "Wow! I had no idea you Irkens still had any of these little things around—that straps on! I always considered them fantasy."

The computer came up with positive universal search results, "Seems that _Vort_ has a few—they probably will use it to infiltrate the Irken Empire. Seeing this, Moof, you'll have to call them. And the little green annoying ones stay off-screen or they'll blow you up. Not that I care, the way I'm treated, though." "SILENCE!" Zim roared. They quickly hid in the shadows.

Moof made the call. A belligerent looking young Vortian stared back at her through the screen. "Hel-loooo, Vortian Anarchy. Can I help you, miss?"

Moof nodded. "I plan on infiltrating the 'Irken Machine'. Can I have an Irken Strap-On PAK? I would very much like one to use as my brilliant disguise for those Irken dogs!"

The Vortian smirked, "..yeah, okay. Just so you know, these are Irken technology—oh wait, you already knew that. Anyway, we just added a few little twists to them. Heheh. They're free by the way. And free to modify! They may have glitches, you can unzip our persona ROMs and stuff. But I'm sure the glitches are nothing, absolutely nothing to worry about."

"Thank you." Moof said, sending the address to the place on the screen. The young Vortian read it.

"Earth? I remember watching something about that at an Irken channel…that was on one of those comedy 'Bloog and a Blorg' channels." He laughed, "That was hilarious. That Zim guy, whoo-whee, he was funny! A space-ship built by Floating Heads! Or 'yes. Thank you. I'm in a bear suit.' And the time he was covered in MEAT! HAHAHA, we sap such good channels from the Empire. Such a shame they turned against us."

Zim, who listened in the side, pouted with his lower teeth sticking up, his eyes all shaky and…wobbly-ing out of immense rage beyond comprehension."

The Vortian got over his laughing of 'I can't breathe-ey-ness.' And resumed his position, "Still, I have no _idea_ why you're on there, but that's non of my business now, is it?" he winked. "Your package will come right now." He pressed a button and typed an ordering.

He smiled, "You're Vortian, so it's free for you!" he saluted, "Resisty Rocks." And the transmission was cut. The PAK-age (ha ha, I am so funny! What a bad pun) arrived seconds later.

Ilex turned around after bringing it in. "Okay, let's get started on the PAK. I've never started working on PAKs…mine always worked absolutely fine." "Mine too!" Zim chimed in happily.

Ilex and Moof stared at him. "What? Why do you stare at Zim like that?" They exchanged glances. "Ohh…no reason." "Yeah, nothing…nothing…er, that you'd like—I mean, want—well, never mind what we're saying. Let's just work." "I hate it when you can't speak, you know. Say it _clearly_ in my base. Zim hates straining his beloved antennae."

As they opened it up, they looked at it dumbly. It was pretty complicated looking for such a small machine. Zim decided to break the silence, "Do you know WHY, I am Zim?" "I dunno, why?" "BECAUSE I AM AWESOME!! (Like a Zim!)" Ilex stared at him, "Dude, I honestly think you need therapy. You probably have post-traumatic stress. And why do you refer to yourself in third person? That's creepy." "Yes, sometimes Zim does not know what Zim is saying. I mean I—goh! You know what I mean!"

Moof stared at it, deftly biting at one of her blueish claws. "Hmmmnnn…how troublesome." "What?" "This is a rather hard device to work on. It's hard to even understand. And this is coming from a Vort—who may I add, is more skillful than you at making stuff." Zim snorted. "Well, I can't seem to get this straight—I can has assistance?"

She turned towards the Irkens. "Ilex and…" the Vortian snapped her fingers to remember, "uh…you…come and help me out. I don't have any of this 'super-intelligent' PAK mumbo-jumbo to help think for me. I actually use my brain."

Ilex started forward, but then reeled back, an angry and confused expression on her face, "Hey, was I just insulted?" "No."

Zim walked over to Moof. He leaned closely and whispered—well, actually, more like hissed—into one of Moof's horns. "I am Ziiiiiiim."


End file.
